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(2 blank hearts | Beat as One)

if you love something let it go - it will come back if it was meant to be. [08 Feb 2007|08:37am]
[ mood | crushed ]

which is a nice saying. i wish it were as easy to beleive as it is to read. 

i dont understand why i am so sad. we aren't broken up - and valentines day is going to be sooo much fun. 
but theres just something like lurking in the dark that just makes me feel like crap. 

mayb it could b that the one person i trust. the one person i am absolutly in love with. the one person i can confide it. the one person who understands me. the one person i have shared sooo many memories with  - - -

::wants to test our relationship::
 
blah. i just wish it had been a dream or something. more like a nitemare - but all the same, i wish i could wake up from it. 

i dont know what else to do but sit here. i dont want to go to class today. i dont want to go to work. 

all i want to do is wake up - or fall asleep forever. 

unfortuanatly while the second option would be a hell of alot easier - all my "falling asleep forever" methods have been confiscated (sp?) so thats out of the question. 
i mean, i am home by myself right now - so i suppose we could make falling asleep forever happen - but i am to sad to even do that. 

i just want my life back. i want everything i am familier with and love back. 

is that to much to ask for??   

(1 blank hearts | Beat as One)

its been quite awhile. [21 Jan 2007|08:54pm]
[ mood | blah ]

tru dat. 
I have some free time today tho seeing as Kyle is gone snowboarding and i am not feeling to well. 
so anways, life has been lovely latley. 
just started school last week - i am taking ::

Child Psychology
Philosophy
Economics
Pharmacology
Music Appreciation 

the only one i am worried about is Philosophy because u have to have like, common sense to get anything in that class and unfortunatly, i was born without the common sense gene. So it should be pretty interesting...ha. 

and i can not wait for Valentines Day. Its one of my favorite holidays and would still be even if i didn;t have a boyfriend. 

Speaking of the devil - we are doing great. we have had our ups and downs - but we will always stick it thru. I know sometimes he gets annoyed with me (who doesnt) but he tries to be patient and reasonable and it pays off. He is a lovely guy and i am so lucky to have him. 

End 
Of
Story.

(Beat as One)

i love boy kill boy [27 Nov 2006|11:31pm]
[ mood | productive ]

SUZIE

This is not a movie
Things just ain't the same as your favourite video
Try standing back and move me
next to you's a very nice place to go

Talk talk to Suzie!
"I went through a million choices."
Talk ... Suzie! (?)
"I listened to a million voices"
And they said...
"Don't let me down" they said
"Don't let me down again"
No no...

Countdown, countdown, countdown to the disappointment
"I'm yours, tonight!"
Countdown, countdown, countdown to the disappointment
"I'm yours, tonight!"
Oh no no no

Read not what the stars say

There's an evil lurking round every door
It's not enough to make you leave me
And I never wanted you to go

Talk talk to Suzie!
",I went through a million choices"
Talk ... Suzie!
"I listened to a million voices"

And they said...
"Don't let me down" they said
"Don't let me down" they said
"Don't let me down again"
No no...

Countdown, countdown, countdown to the disappointment
"I'm yours, tonight!"
Countdown, countdown, countdown to the disappointment
"I'm yours, tonight!"

Oh, time has leering on
So take another breath
And taste this one more time again


Countdown, countdown, countdown to the disappointment
"I'm yours, tonight!",
Countdown, countdown, countdown to the disappointment
"I'm yours, tonight!",
Countdown, countdown, countdown to the disappointment
"I'm yours, tonight!"

(Beat as One)

:: sigh... :: [16 Nov 2006|11:59pm]
[ mood | sad ]

here it goes kids - the story of my life...

Can I ask you a question please
Promise you won't laugh at me
Honestly I'm standing here
Afraid I'll be betrayed.
As twisted as it seems, I only fear love when it's in my dreams
So let the morning light come in and let the darkness fade away
Chorus:
Can you turn my black roses red?
Can you turn my black roses red?

Drowning in my loneliness
How long must I hold my breath
So much emptiness inside I could fill the deepest sea
I reach to the sky as the moon looks on
One last year has come and gonne
It's time to let your love rain down on me


Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz
I'm feelin like I'll blame it on love (x6)

Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz I'm feelin like I'll blame in on love
I'm feeling like I'll blame it on love (until fades)

(Beat as One)

heres to being 20. [12 Nov 2006|10:38pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

to be honest :: it doesn't feel any different.
im still the goofy, stupid, innocent ninteen year old you saw yesterday.
blah.
sometimes i think i should grow up a bit - and just the laughing down to a minimum.
but then again - being the self medicating person i am - laughter is probably the best self medication out there. what to do?

anways. my birthday was fun. my grandma and grandpa and jon and kyle came over for cake and ice cream. then we played bond and i was super thug chicken. then we actually ate chicken and watched "the virgin suicides". if u havn't seen it - u should. its very good. i liked it anyways.

and now i am going to bed. i just finished fixing my psychology outline and now im tired. i have to work tomorrow w/ all the grumpy people that im so not in the mood for and listen to all the grumpy customers who think its my fault that the prices are to high. go punch yourself in the face and dont take your horrible day out on me. seriously. jeez.

(7 blank hearts | Beat as One)

the tickle - the taste of - it used to be the reason u breathe but now its chokin' u up. [31 Oct 2006|10:36pm]
[ mood | amused ]

let me just say my first and probably only concert was :: phenominal.

freezing - but amazing.

i found out not only do i love love love brand new - but i convulse when exposed to freezing temperatures for more then 5 minutes.

today was tres fun.

lunch w/ my boys - then i went to chem only to find out we were having a sub - and everyone was leaving. so, i left..lol.

then i met up with the boys and we went to Murrays to get jon headlights - the to kyles house.

i then learned how to pogo stick thanks to gio and brandon and that its not a good idea to punch gio in the arm with rings on.

after about an hour or so of playing random sportsie things kyle drove brandon and gio back to their car so they could go to school then to the Vue (a place which i will never go might i add...)

tonight was hilarious. me and kyle passed out candy to the little kids and i tried to give kyle a blue fohawk. his hair isn't long enuf yet tho : (

then we found that ping pong balls are an amazing source of entertainment, so we played with those for a while.

House was on at 9 and was amazing like normal - then kyle departed to go home to his angry mother (he forgot to rake the leaves..whoops.)


now i am going to bed ( like u needed to know )

catch ya on the flip side.

p.s. kyle babe - i love you!!!

(Beat as One)

ive become so numb - i cant feel u there. [22 Oct 2006|07:47pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

 hmm. 
so Paulette is officially leaving at the end of November. I have one appointment left with her then shes giving me away to some other person. She says she is sorry and shes afraid i'll "relapse" (which is more then likley true). i have learned to trust her with what i tell her and shes knows almost everything about me. NOW : i have to re explain everything, EVERYTHING to another person. i have to learn to trust them - and now i have this fear that they'll just up and leave me to. Paulette told me that im doing really well and i probably dont need a therapist. ha. u should see me when i dont have one. its bad news - which is why even if i appear to be okay - i still see one., they keep me sane and keep me on track. rar. i hate it when people leave me..

anyways. i played with my animals today for a while. i love them so much. me and my mom went to the petstore and discussed getting my dad a veiled chamilion for christmas. he has a thing for reptiles. when he was a teenager he had an alligator that lived in his bathtub. but it got to big - so he let it go in a lake...so basically i suppose he is responsible toany death-by-alligators in any nearby lake. but i didn't tell u that. 

my moms friend was showing my mom pictures of her son and his fiance. they were engament pictures. and i so can not wait till  i am done w/ school and engaged to kyle. i wish i could speed up time. ever since i was little i remember sitting on my bed, cutting out pictures of wedding dresses and flowers and everything. its so close...like 5 more years and ill be in those pictures. rar. i cant wait. 

so enough of this randomness. i am going to sleep now. i no its early..but im really tired.

p.s. concert in like 6 days!!! ah. so excited!!!  

(2 blank hearts | Beat as One)

ecspecially when i look into his eyes.. [16 Oct 2006|11:51pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

all that hard work to get up the guts to speak in class and the second i open my mouth - some kid decides it would be fun to torture me and laugh. i swear to god - i should have never even said anything. it was so not worth 5 freakin' extra credit points. jesus. what is it with kids these days? we are in college...i repeat, COLLEGE - laughing at shy kids was so like first grade.... 

anways. i just got done watching :: dirty dancing, havana nights :: for the second time today. i love the dancing in that movie sooo much. SO - i sent an email to this one dance school in Bloomfield Hills and they should be calling me in a few days. im actually really considering taking latin ballroom dancing lessons. i love dance, and i absolutly miss it to death - latin ballroom dancing is a more "adult" (instead of ballet, tap or jazz...) type of dancing. it will be fun. ijust have to talk kyle into being my partner. he claims he can't do it - but u dont no till' u try.... 

so yea. thats my life right now in a nutshell. 

tomorrow is lunch with the boys which always makes my day :) 
then i have to run some errands and fix crimsons electric tooth brush (yes, she has a toothbrush..) 

then after that i will be hanging out w/ my gorgeous boyfriend kyle. whos looking quite stunning these days w/ that "long" hair of his..lol.

(2 blank hearts | Beat as One)

oh my starry eyed surprise.. [15 Oct 2006|12:08am]
[ mood | satisfied ]

haha! i have finally gotten my certify in math!! like 6 hours later... blah. 
tonight i hung out w/ alleigh, kyle and mel - twas' tres fun. 

kristys was hilarious. i was a sniper!! with a saber..dont ask. 

and today i rescued a no-eyed fish from the petstore. he was still alive to i brought him home and dumped him in the fish tank. sadly - he is dead now - but at least he was happy and not in a trash can..

peko was reseurected today - my mother thot he was dead and when colie went to bury him - he was alive - weird. 

and now i shall go to bed - my neck is killing me and crimson is driving me insane. 
she has an obsession w/ my closet tonite for some reason...

(1 blank hearts | Beat as One)

look at how they feel the music... [11 Oct 2006|09:53pm]
[ mood | quixotic ]

Ah. 
i love love LOVE Dirty dancing havana nights. 
amazing. 
thats all ihafta say. 

anyways. 
me and kyles 2 year is coming up in 2 months and i no i might be a hopeless romantic - 
but i want to do something REALLY special. 

so heres my idea. 
FIRST:: me and kyle are going to take ball room dancing lessons!! 
so....
for our 2 year :: ahem, the plan is..
we get a limo and go to a really nice restaurant thta has dancing...
we eat a romantic dinner and dress up all nice and everything and just..dance. 
that would be perfect. 
now i just have to talk him into it..lol. 
i really hope we do it tho - it will b soo much freakin fun. 

moving on. 
the canker sores are stil killer. 
the dentist perscribed me this really strong mouthwash with lidocaine in it to it like numbs ur mouth really good... 
so i guess thats oka..untill it wears off :( 

school is lovely. 
chem is hilar. 
lunch on tuesdays w/ the boys is hilar. they think im ridiculous but thats okay. 
i think they're all a bit on the ridiculous side...lol. 

and work is really nice this week w/ tim gone... 
not that i dont like him - he just freaks me out. 
so its just larry, jude and alex..woo. easy. 

so now i shood go and do some math certifies - they are due in 3 days!! lol. 

(Beat as One)

i hate canker sores. but love Ives. [08 Oct 2006|09:32pm]
[ mood | in pain ]

mhmm. 
this is like the 5th canker sore i have had in 2 weeks. 
i have one on my tongue to and it hurts sooo freakin' bad. 
i have like patches and numbing cream and used my dads special mouth wash but they wont go away :( 


tonight was colies bday. 
happy 16th darling colie!! 
lol. 
scary. 

anways. 
me and kyle are lovely. 
i love him soo much and he better do sometihng super special for our 2 year in December. 
i want to dress up and go somewhere really cute to eat and a;lkdfj;alkdjfa;kdjf 
i have it all planned out - but does he? lol. 
we shall see. he has a couple months to figure it out. 

so yea. im gonna go now. i have to finish my Charles Ives project for Humanities. 
i love ives. 
hes awesome.  

(2 blank hearts | Beat as One)

i do love him. [03 Oct 2006|02:33pm]
[ mood | sad ]

everyone knows how much i love him. 

the problem :: i dont think he gets it. 

ladies - tell me this. 
if your boyfriend of almost 2 freakin' years suddenly decides that its fun to talk to girls he used to like - and doesn't tell u about them - would u b mad? 
i mean. he said i was "controling" . and this may be - but i dont trust him w/ Jenna and this Nicole girl. Jenna is over (hopefully) but the thing is that he didn't even tell me about Jenna . i had to find out from someone else. he does this stuff behind my back (like call other girls and stuff) and doesn't tell me. it pisses me off. i dont go and call/text/email other guys - because i love kyle. i am faithful to him and ONLY him. Yes, i occassionally talk to other guys like ben and brandon and gio - but its always around kyle - and if its not - i tell him because i think its stupid if he were to find out from someone else. and i tell him because i want him to trust me. 

point being - am i just being stupid or does my reasoning for being upset/mad make sense? 

blah. boys. 

again - kyle darling - i love u to death and i would kill for u. but honey - we've talked about this and agreed its got to stop. k? 
love - joselyn. xoxoxoxo

(2 blank hearts | Beat as One)

touchdown turnaround... [02 Oct 2006|10:53pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

you know - i often sit here at night w/ my darling crimmy and my headphones blasting my eardrums out and i wonder - why me? 
i mean. people meet me and tell me how nice i am and how lucky i am to have such a pleasent personality and ask me if i have a million friends. All i can do when they ask me that is shrug. me? have friends? in what life time? 

i sit here and i wonder what it would be like to be the person asking me the question. yea, maybe they dont have the storybook life either - but i guarentee u they dont wake up everyday worrying about where everyone is, what everyone is doing - worrying about what will happen if i mess up - what i'll be doing everyminute of every hour. Sometimes i even wonder if i'll be alive by the end of the day. 

Normally, im really not suicidel - but im not gonna lie and say i dont think about it. Living the way i do - sometimes i do wish i just woulnd't wake up - it would make life easier for me, and for everyone else. maybe not at first, but in the long run it probably would be. My mom has spent so much time and money on me - and everyone else who even has spent a minute of their time w/ me has invested to much in my opinion. Lets face it - im not exactly all there. If i weren't here - people could spend their time doing other things instead of trying to figure me out. 

(NOTE :: NO i am not going to commit suicide. dont worry.. ) 

anyways . i would pay so much money to just wake up one day and just be happy for the heck of it and then be able to stay that way the whole day w/out getting mad at people for no reason . To just have one freakin' emotion for even an hour would be heaven to me. 

anyone want to trade places w/ me? 

wait a second :: i would never let anyone go thru what i go thru. that in itself is suicide.

(14 blank hearts | Beat as One)

sometimes i wish it was you. [13 Sep 2006|02:23pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

FIRST:: 

1. Reply with your name and I will write something random about you.

2. I will then tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.

3. I will pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.

4. I will say something that only makes sense to you and me.

5. I will tell you my first memory of you.


perhaps that will keep me busy? 
who knows. 

so yea. 
im going to take a nap now.
the new medication makes me horribly sleepy/have an awful pain in my stomach.
its worth it tho..i swear.
6. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.

7. I'll then ask you something that i've always wondered about you.

8. Put this in your own journal

(Beat as One)

we belong together. f.o.r.e.v.e.r. [11 Sep 2006|11:04pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

meh.
psychology is freaking me out.
we have to do presentations and the teacher picked my topic for me. 
take one guess:: 
yep. generalized anxiety disorder.
not a problem u say? yes. big problem. 
oka, the research part is easy because i no everything there is to no about the disorder seeing as i have it. 
the problem:: talking about it in front of 30 people i dont no/trust. 
i dont talk to ANYONE about my GAD because i dont trust anyone (except kyle and paulette and occasionally my mom...) 
it has to be 10 minutes long to. 
and she wants me to "be personal" 
blah. ill probably end up crying or throwing up or something...god. its freaking me out. 

then. to make things worse. Dr. freakin Madhaven hasn't called me back. 
im going thru like withdrawls. 
i need medication. 
im like going crazy inside. its hard to explain. 
i need her to call me. 
today. now. like whoa. 

anyways. 
yesterday me, kyle, jon, mel and colie drove 2 hours to see jason.
his house is...a mess. regardless tho - its very cool. 
i tried to clean the kitched up a little..i tried. lol. 
we met his roomies who are very nice people. 
at least they were nice to us while we were there - what they said after was beyond me. 
so that was fun. 

Jon worries me a little. 
but thats oka. 
he is just trying to figure things out i guess. 
i dont realy care what he does - because he'll always be one of my best friends. 
i just worry about him. 

fall fest was hilar. 
me, mel and kyle met up w/ gio and brandon.
we went on the ferris wheel and the strange chinese man told me and kyle to buck.le...even tho there is no buckle..
then ben met us and we ate elephant ears and went driving in the :country: 
then we picked up sipe from the parking lot and went country driving some more. 
kyle was so good. im so proud of him. 

tomorrow is our TWENTY ONE MONTH! 
i cna't beleive its been that long.
time flies when you're in love i guess. 

well - im out.
i have humanities at eight..then i am meeting up w/ kyle and brandon for lunch at O'Henrys (yay)
then me and kyle have chem w/ mrs. bagdadchi's sub!! yess...

kyle - i love you darling. 
happy 21 month..almost. lol.

(Beat as One)

a victim still lying in bed, completly motionless. [09 Sep 2006|05:37pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

im waiting for kyle to come get me. 
i swear to god he takes longer to get ready then me. 
we're going out to eat then to fall fest!! even tho its freezing out. 
i get to wear my coat!! yes..

anways. 
jason called last night. 
he was supposed to be at his house party - so when he called i was a little confused. 
turns out he got in a motorcycle accident and was in the hospitol.
he is having surgery today because he busted up his arm pretty bad. 
he said something about getting plates put in - fun stuff..not really. 
i feel bad for him because his mom wasn't there and none of his friends were there because they were all at their house party. 
he sounded so lonley. 
so i made mel call him and tomorrow we shall make the 3 hour trip to grand valley to see him. 

so yea. 
i am so glad i dont have to work tomorrow. i need a day off.
customers are starting to get crabby (they usually do in the fall/winter - for some unknown reason.)
and dealing w/ their problems along w/ mine is awful. i hate it. 
but larry and tim are really nice to me - so i guess it makes up for it..lol. 

and now im going to go and call my boyfriend whos taking a year to get ready...rar.

(1 blank hearts | Beat as One)

she is the lamb - he is the slaughter. shes moving way to fast and all he wanted was to hold her. [08 Sep 2006|12:41am]
[ mood | distressed ]

blah. 
this insomnia (sp) is k.i.l.l.i.n.g. me. 
i hate not being able to sleep. 
it sucks. 
at least i dont have to be anywhere tomorrow till 12:30 
physical therapy. only 2 more times left after tomorrow. 
the knee is much better. still slides off the groove but it doesn't hurt as much.
when i go to see dr. rosenberg i am going to ask him if there is a way to permanatly make my knee cap stay in place instead of taping it all the time. 

december 19th is when E.R. season 6 comes out and i am so freakin' stoked. 
i need it. 
i must have it for christmas. 
it has allllllll the best episodes on it. 
season 5 is good to. but season 6...oh man. 

anyways. 
sara got fired today. apparently she was stealing snakes? or something. 
i talked to her after i got off work. 
she is planning on moving out of state. 
i feel bad for her. 
shes such a nice girl - but nobody can see it. 

in other news i am taking out a student loan because i am poor. 
therefor i will be paying that off till like the day i die. which majorly sucks. 

no what else sucks? 
math. 
its online and i still suck at it.
i had to restart the certifications like 5 times because i kept getting the first question wrong. 
i hate math. 

everyone always thinks im so capable of being good at math and everything else. 
when clearly, im not. 
my mom is always saying "dont be so hard on yourself" 
when the truth is - im just hard on myself because i dont want to be let down. 
along w/ boats and tunnels - being rejected and let down is one of my biggest fears. 
i would never ever want the scenerio to happen where im like "oh yay, i can do this -blah blah blah blah blah" only to find out that i failed. 
that would break me.
so i just prepare for the worst. and it usually happens.
at least im not let down. 
right?

(1 blank hearts | Beat as One)

these automatic flowers. wont due. [05 Sep 2006|10:12pm]
[ mood | creative ]

i have decided that kyle needs a chameleon. 
i feel bad because he wants one sooooo bad - but his parents won't let him. 
its so cute how bad he wants one. aww. poor kyle. 

anways. 
school today was eh.
i really really like my Humanities class.
im actually considering minoring in art or something. 
my teacher for that class is an art therapist. 
meaning she sees people in mental institutions and has them paint/draw pictures. 
then depending on what the picture is - she talks to them and tries to figure out what they mean. 
being that im majoring in psychology and all - i find this extremly interesting. 
the fact that you can find out so much about a person just by looking at a picture is absolutly fascinating. 

the teacher actually told me i should try painting. 
she says it has helped many of her anxious patients in the past. 
so i went and bought everything i need - except an eisle. (spelling?) 
so yea. im going to take that up. mayb it will help when im frustrated. 
instead of considering kiling myself while listening to depressing/extremly angry music. 
painting sounds a lot calmer. 

chemistry is okay. 
the math is...interesting. sometimes i can get it - other times im completly lost.
the teacher is allll over the place. its quite funny actualy. thank god kyle's in that class. 

math is fun.
i love teaching myself the stuff and doing it online. 
its way better than a class room. 

so yea. 
thats school. 
typical. 


(1 blank hearts | Beat as One)

a city shall burn to the ground for love. [02 Sep 2006|05:35pm]
[ mood | giggly ]

so i've decided that i really really need  a box turtle. 
like whoa. 
where i would keep it - i have no idea.

ill wait till' after Molly has her babies tho. 
because i no from experience (this being her third litter) that rabbit babies take A LOT of freakin' time. 
they should be cute tho. 
half Californian (molly) and half mini lop (Romi) 
and no - i did not plan her pregnancy.
it was a complete accident. 
and once she has them and my dad finds out - im pretty much dead. 

in other news - school is..interesting. 
we had to get up in front of the class in psych - that was a disaster. 
and in chem - the teacher is all over the place and has a very thick accent. 
at least kyle's in that class - he can understand her better than i can. 

tonight i might be going to Michigan State with kyle to see megan! (his cousin.) 
which should be fun - IF i go. 

work is okay.
Larry is interesting. 
he called me a snake yesterday and said "we're off like a prom dress" 
which i thot was funny. 
hes almost like a guy version of sara. lol. 

and thats about it. 
im gonna go now and...watch t.v. 
yea.

(3 blank hearts | Beat as One)

i seriously hate. school. hate it. [29 Aug 2006|10:05pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

i do. 
and im absolutly dreading tomorrow. i mean, yea, i have a class with kyle - but he'll probably make new friends super fast and i'll be left in the dust.  which is fine. im not stopping him. Me and paulette visualized it yesterday - but she just makes it sound way to easy. She gave me new exercizes to relax - but i can't do them because i worry to much about the things around the items im supposed to be focusing on. 
for instance:: 
the color red 
which then fades into blue. 
now - this is hard because what is red? you can't just picture red. something has to be red. but what is it? why red? and why is it fading into blue? then, once it does fade, what is blue? and how does red (a primary color) just fade into another primary color? i dont get it. 
another example::
the screeching of chalk on a chalk board
then the chalk crumbles into powder. 
where is this chalk board? is it in a room? is it outside? in a big building? what color is the chalk? and where is the powder going to go once it crumbles? i think thinking about them gets me more worked up then actually stressing out just by itself. 
i dont no. 
latley - ever since i just stopped cold turkey taking the Celexa things have just gotten really - hopeless looking? i guess. i mean, one minute i could be the happiest person in the world. then, within an hour i will the be the saddest person on earth. they are looking into a possible Bi-Polar problem - so i gues that could be it. 
i just dont get why i got picked. 
you dont even no how long i stay up at night sumtimes and just wish - that for one day - just one day, i could be like everyone else. 
that i could go out w/ friends and not worry about where we are going, where my mom is, where my dad is, what kyle is doing..
it sucks. my life is a constant stream of worrying. and i hate it. i wish i could just be happy. all the time. and take things as they come. not try to predict and plan my future before it comes. that would be a dream come true. 

i feel so bad. because kyle wants to so badly help me. but he can't. he wants to talk and stuff but im just not in the mood. im jsut so..empty? i guess. i view things as things that turn on me. i see situations like they are all my fault. and im scared of everything. i love kyle so much, and i feel like im killing him. to be honest, i wish i wans't even here. (NOTE:: THIS IS IN NO WAY A SUICIDE WISH. been there::done that::) oka? its just, i dont understand what im supposed to do. i pretend like everything is okay, because i dont want to suck anyone into my crazy, insane mind. trust me, you dont want to be there. 

so school tomorrow is sounding real bad right about now. i just hate walking into the class by myself, and i hate finding a seat, and i hate watching people talk and just be instant friends. i hate it because i want so badly to be like that. Paulette says to force myself - to pretend im extremly confident. but its not as easy as it sounds. not only am i petrified of being confident, im petrified of being rejected. 

so thats my life. depressing, empty and just plain insane. 
be happy you're not me. 

and a little something for kyle - who i love dearly. 
 

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